I put a lot of thought into preparing for our time together. Think showered, groomed, dressed to impress, and ready for adventure. I’d love the same from you. After all, romance may be in the air, but let’s keep funky smells out of it.

Hygiene: absolutely non-negotiable. If I come to you, please be freshly showered and rocking minty-fresh breath. If you’re visiting me, you’ll get the spa-treatment starter kit: clean towels, mouthwash, and hypoallergenic body wash. (Basically, everything but a rubber ducky.) Use them. If you don’t take hygiene seriously, our time ends before it begins, and refunds aren’t a thing. I also reserve the right to end a session early if boundaries are crossed or if you bring any unwelcome “souvenirs” (read: transmissible nasties).

Donations: upon arrival, please hand me the envelope, cash only, tucked in something cute like a book, card, or gift bag. Don’t make me ask. It kills the vibe faster than socks with sandals. If you think you might want more time, have extra cash ready. Crypto bros and e-transfer fans, sorry, but I’m old-school on this one.

Time and cancellations: life happens, I get it. If you’re running late, shoot me a quick message. Same goes for cancellations. My cancellation policy is listed on my site, and it applies even if you ghost me. If you skip out on the fee, consider us divorced before we ever even met. Your time is precious, but so is mine.

Drinks: if you’d like to share a glass, it must be from a new bottle, poured in front of me. If it’s already poured when I arrive, I’ll awkwardly say no. And nobody wants me to be awkward, trust me.

Booking and vibe check: I only see respectful, kind people. If you didn’t hear back after filling out my form, it’s probably because your tone was off, you left out information, or you asked for something I do not offer. Pro-tip: don’t play games with names like “John B.” I check references thoroughly and they need to be current, within 12 months. No coffee meetups, FaceTimes, or improvising new rules. Try me, and you might just get hit with my favorite meme, the spray bottle with a giant red “NO.”

In the immortal words of Mean Girls, let’s all just get along like we did in middle school and bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles. Except maybe let’s skip the baking and just focus on keeping it respectful, fun, and fabulous.